Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
