just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
