I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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