I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
