I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
