i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
