K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
