It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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