i think i have two assholes
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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