I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
