my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
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