I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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