tequila makes me forget i have legs
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
