i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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