I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
