I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
