Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
