we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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