we made out on top of his cat.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
