I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
