ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
