john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
