I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
