I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
