Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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