She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
