I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
