it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
