He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
