thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
