It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You left your phone here
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