I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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