i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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