Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
