i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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