One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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