Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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