I can feel you judging me through the phone.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
