she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
