phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
