My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
