you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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