I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
