we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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