i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
