Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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