You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
