The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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