Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
