i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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